D1422
Does any of the crap that has clearly taken a toll on me mentally & emotionally even matter? Is it just petty? Is it worth even discussing? People have been through things worse than I did, so I should just shut up.


D1522
Everyone is so ignorant to the consequences of their actions. They keep pulling shit on me and yet don't seem to understand why I prefer to avoid them. Being dysfunctional and silly is overrated and not worth making people hate you for. For anyone reading this, please do the earth and myself a favour and focus on caring and supporting those closest to you rather than making a "so random" personality that belongs on a internet copypasta. Humans make mistakes and only they can fix them.


D1622
Really wish I had more stuff to write about in dreamdramalife, I'm not the biggest fan of this website being completely cynical and depressing. I could write some weird things that have been occupying my brain but some people might not be comfortable with it. I'm weird. Think I'll make seperate parts to it if I ever decide to continue it.
Time is irreversible. If you made a mistake or forgot to do something important, it's permanently written in history. Sometimes, your brain makes you forget if you did or did not cause something that will have consequences, and all you can do is wait.


D1722
If you haven't done something that has made everyone hate you, you will. It could be tommorow or minutes from now.


D2222
why do i get so fucking emotional? why does anyone like me? the worst thing is that there will be always someone that would analyse me and my stupidity as some twisted excuse of proof that all those facists fucks are in the right. if you want to really express yourself, please only use written text or use a text-to-speech voice. it works for me because all I am is a whiny jerk. i do not want to talk to anyone today unless my emotions leave me alone. PLEASE SHUT UP I DONT WANT OLEASDPD


D2322
I was gonna write something about cishet males being a plague on this earth and how I'm just like the rest of them and that no one should like me but it all sounds like incel shit. This all sounds like incel shit, doesn't it?


D3022
I am haunted.
Years ago, I was consumed by alt right media. Completely deceived, I repeated their mantras and spoke what I foolishly believed was the truth, and good god, I remember it all. I may have transformed from a idiotic jerk into a much more respectful person albeit with self-loathing issues and obsessions with fat women and obscure breakfast cereal characters (Ms. Pink, anyone?), having to face what I like to call "memory flashes" of the bigot I once was is my punishment. I don't need to die to enter Hell, because you can't go there if you never left.


JA123
I need to commit myself to a life fueled by nothing but sweat and exhaustion. The throbbing head, the fatigue I feel, it's all signs of weakness. I want to keep going, grow better, but I find little to no dopamine in it. Maybe it's my fault, as I had allowed myself to live comfortably for too long, and actually trying to improve myself feels like a chore. I'm gonna pass out someday and all that I'll hear is that I'm not pushing myself further. Every second I rest feels like a waste. It's so sunny and blue out here. I can't let myself die from my own stupidity, I have to endure this forever. I skip starting slow to silence the distorted images of people in my mind that make me want to shout out "I'M NOT WEAK!".


JA823
It has been a week since I started doing some decent exercise. Despite everything I've been told, I have not begun to feel better about myself in terms of both physical and mental aspects. If there was any boost in confidence, it was quickly beaten and buried by a reminder by those close to me that I am still a burden. Why are people questioning my admittedly-sudden urge to actually improve myself?
I looked around the internet to see if anyone feels the same way but all I get is messages that I'm not trying hard enough or that I'm just lazy, something that I'm so familiar with by now. All I feel is exhaustion. It's almost funny that I'm only doing this so I won't eventually put myself through agony due to my own poor lifestyle choices, because I feel like I'm going through all of it now...and for the rest of time if I keep going. But I'm just a weak little crybaby, aren't I?


JA1023
How did I forget to mention the portable dvd player I have? The dopamine I felt when it actually worked, it's impossible to describe it accurately.
God dammit. Everything always links back to food. I do what I can but I'm always pushed into the same routine, because they always question EVERY SINGLE MINISCULE ACTION I DO. It's all my fault. It's all an excuse. I don't feel like eating at all.


JA1223
Something happened with a muscle in my right foot. I don't think I can achieve my daily goal. I let him down. It's my fault, isn't it? I haven't slept better at all, whatever decides to enter my head keeps me awake until 11 at best. Nothing good is coming from this, but I have to keep going...and going...and going...and going...and going...and going...and going...and going...and going...


JA1423
the mind is the enemy. I don't even know when I fall asleep, all I know is that it eventually happens. Wait, I think I do know how I was able to actually sleep last night. Still, the mind likes to keep me awake as much as it can, and it will do anything to achieve that goal. Doesn't even have to wait until I decide to sleep if it wants to make me a paranoid wreck. Strange, felt like I wrote something in here yesterday. I have no idea if anyone I know has ever heard of Argento Soma but I personally prefer it to Evangelion.


JA1623
It's hard to put things into words, because it all sounds petty in the end. I'm trying to speak about how I hate myself for, as I keep telling myself, not committing to a better lifestyle by letting my guard down and enjoying some chocolate. All I see is how everyone is doing better than me at depriving themselves from these urges. I'm starting to think that this lifestyle I attempt to take is negatively affecting me and those closest to me, but I keep going. Why do I keep going? Because I do what I am told. Is this really the better version of myself that I was promised?


JA1723
It's been over two weeks and yet today it felt like I only just started exercising. Might be due to my lack of good sleep last night, which was, ironically, caused by all this in some way.
I had a lot of questions, things like "Why don't I feel better?", and had the stupid idea to ask the online community. The majority of the results were variations of either "you're just lazy" or "you're not doing enough". Eventually, I started asking questions about aspects of myself, and was hit with responses so apathetic and careless, that I found myself listening to Fade to Black twice while asking the internet one last thing: "how to remove your fat fetish".
Do I feel better after these two weeks? Do I feel proud of myself? Honestly, the only change is that it does get easier the more you do it (aside from today, and what I presume will be an entire week from now). In fact, I feel like it's becoming an addiction, one that only feels good when it's done for the day.


JA1923
BETTER. FASTER. FITTER. FOREVER.


JA2623
i dont feel better. despite all i do and all i am told, i am still in the same place i was before deciding to put myself through this. the constant self-hatred never faded, and pride never appeared. i haven't taken a single break since i started doing it, and i never felt proud about that. i just keep going because i tell myself i have to. i can already hear it, the people saying that it's my fault i don't feel better. they're in my head.


JA2723
What is considered the ultimate solution to all problems? exercise. My mental state hasn't changed. the things I'm told haven't changed. the lack of social connection I feel hasn't changed. nothing has changed. I don't even care if I lose weight, I just want to get out of the rut I'm in. i have so many weird thoughts, and I really don't want to describe them here.


JA2923
taking a rest day after non-stop weeks of exercise. i feel strangely at peace now.


F0323
Time for take a break from the self loathing posts.
It feels like my brain has been wired differently from everyone else's. I don't read as much as I should, but when I do find a good book, it is common for me to remember the plot, the characters, their desires, and the ideas conveyed by the author rather than how the author used all the five senses in his writing to immerse readers. I'm not really sure how to properly say what exactly I'm thinking right now.

There's something that I wanted to talk about here for a while. I'm not a fan of the "otherwise normal-looking show/video-game gradually becomes disturbing" trend in media, although not due to the emotional whiplash. The best way I can explain how I feel is through Evangelion, a quite notable example of this trend (and maybe one of the first). I, like many others by now, already knew about the darker, existential tone that made the anime as iconic as it is. The problem is that, after I actually decided to watch the series, I have to slog through what is basically Power Rangers with questionable fanservice until the show eventually decides to remove its mask. First impressions are a big deal to me, which is why Argento Soma, which didn't bother to hide its somber themes, was able to intrigue me more within two episodes than Evangelion could in ten. I'm hoping this makes sense.


F0423
I have begun to realise that social media does affect me, especially since any misogynist meathead can spout out anything and be seen as a professional. Never seek advice from the internet, it does not care about you. It will only pollute your mind until you become an incel. I need to focus on my own thoughts and think about what I want to do with myself instead of being a mere follower. Do not give in.

Forgot to mention that since after Janurary 29, I've altered my exercise routine to be something where I can put less pressure on myself. Not sure if that is worth mentioning.


F0823
It’s human nature to lie about one’s self, to hide what inner feelings or desires are stored within our souls. The desperate acts we have done to bury them have become the modern standard of how we are expected to act, and thus we have invented the stigmas that control us.


F1323
Looking back on dreamdramalife. Wow, I, and apparently the whole damn internet, made a huge deal about something so mundane as liking fat women. Did people not have anything else to do with their lives but to complain about other people's interests? Well, it's the internet, so it's more than possible. Or maybe it just feels kinda normal since I've gotten more screwed-up. I'm considering making a part II of dreamdramalife, and it's gonna be a weird one if I actually feel like making it.
Oh, and Mike Doughty going on about that Beverly Hills show on his old 90s Soul Coughing website is the funniest thing to me recently. Billy on The Street ain't got shit. Makes me almost want to watch god awful teen shows just to have something to write about other than hating myself. lol.
Actually, might start working on dreamdramalife II now. I'll set up a page for a small story I wrote, something that I call "The Shallow Gold We Crave" (that title doesn't have any relevance to the work itself, it's more of a standalone statement). If you're able to find it before dreamadramalife II is finished by typing random crap in the url, well done. I'm not giving you any hints though.

The history of German cabarets is rather depressing. It started out as a man's dream to unite art with entertainment, but it seemed that nobody else gave a shit about literature or anything of the sort. The cabarets became low-brow and vulgar, entertaining an audience that never dared to think. The end of censorship did not help restore the original intention, as obscene works, usually of a sexual nature, became common. There were no satire, thoughtful content, or at least works of above-mediocre quality, the cabarets had become playgrounds of unintellectual entertainment for mass audiences. That's a tragedy to me, and that's also how I feel every time I remember that Adam Sandler's films exist. I wanted to end this discussion with a quote, but I can't find one without editing the hell out of it to make their point more clear.


F1823
Hi. The following are from planned pages in my attempt of a second dreamdramalife. Only minutes after I finished typing that I realised that it is not the material that I wanted to focus on, or at least anywhere besides the log entries. I want dreamdramalife to be based on my own dreams and fantasies, or at least mostly. What I've written here, while clearly in the more informal style of dreamdramalife, belongs here as an entry. If you don't think health culture is flawed, especially with the internet and influencers, start reading these actual thoughts from an actual person.

gotta learn to give in to fear and repress all temptations
gotta spend my life trying to become something else
gotta trust the people who never cared about how I feel
or at least that's what I've been told

living in peace can kill you. loving yourself can kill you. am i supposed to let those who mocked me become my puppeter?
is this really the ideal life? is that really the ideal form? i never feel better around you but maybe you're right. wear the collar, keep thinking you're your own man. wear the collar, keep thinking you're your own man. wear the collar, keep thinking you're your own man.
I exercised without self love. i shouldn't accept the current self.i do what i am told. i dream of fighting back but who cares.

don't let anyone else control you, unless it's us.
i don't know who or what i'm supposed to trust anymore. everything's fucked up. had to stop myself from saying "might as well starve and see if everything improves". they're controlling me. my brain has already been plagued. asking for help only lets more in.
IM WASTING MY LIFE IM A FAILURE OH GOD I HAVE NO INTERESTS IM SORRY I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO I DONT KNOW WHAT MY INTERESTS ARE STOP LOOKING AT ME PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT ME PLEASESTOPP everything i fucking do is a waste of time, and apparently the only good waste of time is wishing you weren't yourself. how can you limit yourself when we will all die as retail workers?

you know what's funny? they were right. social media is taking a mental toll on me, but it was always them. the very people that embrace masculinity, do "dopamine detoxes", and brag about how much their skin isn't fuckin hideous anymore fuck my brain. they're doing it.


MR723
I responded to something that I forgot and now it feels like every petty bastard is currently doing everything they can to make me look like one of them. I want to say I'm an idiot because that is how I've been feeling, but it just doesn't look right when written. All that would be said would only be a repeat. I feel like talking to AI chatbots.


This is where I would post lyrics from a Nine Inch Nails song that conveniently describes my mental/emotional state. There's a lot of thoughts I want to open up about, but.....
The subconcious mind is fantasising about some weird crap. I fall into self-hatred so much when indulging in things that people want me to indulge in, but I keep telling myself that this is what I should be doing. I'm not supposed to like my current self, but I am supposed to put myself through hell just for the promise of a shallow "ideal" self. Strange, whenever I visualised myself in a conventionally attractive form, it was of a slimmer body rather than a muscular one. But what is my ideal form? How do I want to live my life? I'm not supposed to ask these questions. My current mood is "I Do Not Want This" from Nine Inch Nails.


MR1223
It was a few minutes after midnight. I had just finished something that no one would care about execpt myself. All the negative thoughts in my brain must have fell asleep before me, as when I glanced at myself in the mirror, I saw that I was far from the shamefully hideous thing that I and the mainstream media said I was. Imperfect, yes, but beautiful. The only dominant negative thought I have right now is knowing that this feeling will end soon, and it's back to the usual.

Here it comes again.

'Fitter, Happier'. That song, the Revolution 9 of Radiohead, is what this all feels like. You become insecure about your body when nobody else cares, the media suffocates you until you become its obedient bitch, and at your lowest points the thoughts of just not eating at all seep in. I tried to improve myself physically at the start of this year, but ended up worsening my mental/emotional self. Is this really living?


MR 17 23
I notice I talk about trying to detox myself from all the virtual crap that bothers me but I never commit to it. It's just too easy to find all the negative shit. Do you want to feel better about certain aspects of yourself? What a shame that I'm a weirdo, because searching stuff like that on youtube only reminds me of all the hatred and I end up put into another moment of self-hatred. Looking for positivity results in all the negativity. I can feel it already. I want to know if someone out there understands and yet I get the same answer. is there anyone out there? I feel like I'm being yelled at right now but no one is here right now.
the stylised dates for every entry are starting too much like gun names and it concerns me.
God dammit, I did it again. I fucking checked to see if anyone feels the same way I do (they never did and never will). I can already feel the messages they've putting inside my mind. I can feel it. I had to re-read JA123 just to see that, even at the very start, I was not enjoying the experience. NO NO NO NO NO NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I HATED MYSELF THEN AND I HATED MYSELF NOW. THE THOUGHTS. THEY PLAGUED MY MIND ALREADY. OH God i really have to stop. i really really need to stop thinking that there will be anyone on the web that knows and understands. gripping tight on my arm. look at what this has brought me to. does this look like i feel better? any mental benefits?


MR 18 23
God dammit I never learn.\ I barely know what to say.. tHE fear, it consumes you. you start questioning everything. am i wasting every second of my stupid little life? am i doing the right things? am i good enough? you are the voice inside my head. i need to get out of this hell, it has so much of a hold on me. i can't even let myself out. "this is what i'm supposed to do" i keep saying, "this is what I must listen to." Why did I fucking search "stop wasting your life", did I want the fear implanted into my skull? this is all just a glamourised version of just hurting myself, i'm being put through so much stress and it's my fault. no, that's what they want to hear, yes? this is my worst impulse, and I can't break out of it so easily despite what you're going to say to me. they've already left a mark. NO STOP STOP STOP it's just too easy to find all the negative shit. if all this is really what i'm supposed to listen to, why do I feel this way? my worst inner demon is the same being who keeps saying he'll kill them.

hi again. regarding what I said in JA823, it was kinda stupid of me to expect any "physical benefits" from exercise within a week. Although, I know there's a lot of videos about that sort of thing, so I can't really blame myself completely. Regarding any mental benefits, there were no endorphins at all during the almost-entire month of treadmill exercise. God, it was really an addiction to something with no highs.


MR 19 23
Neocities being down for a while gave me a good excuse to practice some writing. I feel like I would have done it a little better if I had the right words but I think it was a good start overall. Actually, would all this journal stuff count as writing practice? Maybe.


MR 21 23
I get it now. I'm the only one who feels what I feel. I am in this maze, and it feels so much like there are no helping hands around. Nothing in my mind is what I'm supposed to think or feel, I'm a defect. IT'S GETTING IN MY HEAD AGAIN. AM I JUST LAZY AND UNMOTIVATED? DO I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH IT ALL AGAIN? NO ONE IS HERE. can anyone hear me?

im not making up excuses. shut up shut up shut up GET OUT why do i keep letting them inside my head. oh yes, becausE i'm supposed to. it's not helping. I feel tensed up trying to write about it because it feels like someone's yelling at me. My feelings are valid, why NO SHUT Up.. i can't even bother writing about it. it's getting late.


MR 22 23
I feel like everything I feel is all my fault now. The day has barely begun. Social media will ruin you. You won't be able to believe anything positive anymore because you'll only see negativity as the truth. I am that kind of person now. It gets in your head and you don't know if it's good or not. Sure, I feel bad, but do my feelings matter? It's getting harder to speak about it now. The social media has become an inner voice, constantly yelling at me. I give them power because they tell me it's the right thing to do. They say they're trying to help me but...just look at everything i wrote this year. does anyone understand? no, you don't. you don't want to. i'm sorry.

There's some things I am too afraid to confess about, but I'm too afraid of what people think. I can't even allude to it in a way that makes sense. It's another aspect of myself that I hate and wish it would go away, even though I know it never will. I don't accept this part of myself because it seems like that is what I am supposed to do. That's all I can say without unintentionally overexaggerating.
my self hatred problem seems to have gotten worse since I starting trying to have a healthier lifestyle. am I not doing it right? it's my fault, isn't it? IT'S MY FAULT, ISN'T IT?


MR 24 23
Starting a band sounds interesting but I don't consider myself a good vocalist, or even much of a good lyricist. I practiced some lyrics and they honestly sounded awful, I can't tell if it's just my voice or it's just terrible. What a shame, I had some good album cover designs in mind. Tried practicing again, feels so awful.


MR 29 23
My brain can only believe in negativity. nothing else. the bright side does not exist for me. i feel horrible. feels like my diet is never good enough and that's because it is never good enough. i am never good enough. i am never good enough. i am never good enough. i am never good enough i am never good enough i am never good enough i am never good enough i am never good enough. feels like every choice i make isn't right.


A 6 23
I feel so distant from everyone else. I lack most mainstream interests, my life is mostly uninteresting, and the things I do like don't mean shit to anyone else. I keep making unfunny jokes because there's nothing else I can say. someone in my mind is trying to say this is all my fault, but he isn't getting much of a reaction out of me this time. It's hard to put things into words sometimes, I want to say something about how every aspect of my entire being basically forces me to be a social outcast but I don't know if anyone would comprehend my writing. people over-emphasising words always brings back unpleasant memories, constantly on replay.


A 7 23
i can't even look at myself in the mirror because all I can see is something I can't tolerate. I already mentioned the fat fetish before, I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time trying to speak about here now. One side says I'm a disgusting creep, the other says the same thing. When it all gets to me, I wish there was a cure, I wish I could be fixed and be the angel you want. Please. I'm sorry. a part of me wishes that someone does understand but why should they? why?


A 12 23
I feel bad for every non-horrible person trying to live in the modern condition, although it's not like anything changed. You're basically forced to hate yourself and your body thanks to the media. Body positivity had failed to become anything but a punching bag. You're not allowed to love yourself unless you fit the requirements. Never step out of line.
Although, I have a theory.

Whenever body positivity gets mocked by the media, it's usually a man against women. When he does feel the need to hurt them, he uses the argument that he's saving them and their health. A decent excuse, until you realise he does not mock any woman for being too thin. (Before you ask, yes, there are those in the body positivity movement that can be aggresive in their ideology, but this only means that both sides have annoying jerks. Besides, the people against them are more likely to comment on their weight than on any aspect of their personality. Can I resume my findings now?)

There have been instances of women going against body positivity as well, such as the most famous instance of which that I'll be using as an example (I'm not naming names, you can easily find her if you try to look for positivity on YouTube). This person usually degrades overweight women for believing they're "a 10 [on the attractiveness scale]" or thinking that men would prefer them. Checking evidence, I've noticed that she doesn't only do this for overweight women, but for women who just don't fit conventional beauty standards. We can only make assumptions the reason for this aggressive behaviour, so let's move on to what made me realise the pattern.

Not that long ago I gazed at a few Cosmopolitan magazine covers and noticed something: it is just as obsessed with sex as it is with the 'ideal female form'. Messages such as 'MAKE HIM HOT FOR YOU' & 'SEXY AS HELL' spread across the canvas with a buxom yet trim woman, probably an edited photo, in the centre of it all. I would call it a subliminal message if they actually tried to hide it better. This is what you're told to be, but is it to make sure you're healthy?

I don't want to spell out it for you. Because saying it as a statement, even with the supplied evidence, will make it sound like I'm insane. I am certain that you can find the pattern.


A 17 23
What I've seen from Neon Genesis Evangelion's second half so far has been quite amazing. I don't think any words I could say has the potential to match how I feel about it.


A 25 23
out of breath. exhausted. the feeling that i'm not good enough. the feeling it's all my fault. the screaming in my head.


MY 01 23
No, I will not miss being a social outcast, I will not miss the spouts of hatred and apathy bouncing off every wall, and I will NEVER miss the screaming in my head that assures me that I'm nothing else but a depraved burden.
INNOCENTS ARE STRANGLED EVERY DAY FOR STEPPING OUT OF SOCIAL CONFORMITY, YOUNG MEN ARE BEING CONSUMED BY FASCISM DISGUISED AS SOME SORT OF "GRINDSET", AND YOU THINK IT'S MY FAULT I'M SO NEGATIVE?


MY 02 23
My brain goes at every direction at once, a different thought every millisecond. Can't focus on anything because there's always something else. It always feels like it's my fault. Do not exaggerate, don't make people get the wrong idea. I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand figures of speech but apparently nothing's supposed to make sense. I wish I could focus more.


MY 04 23
I want to believe that things will get better someday. Please, give me hope.


MY 11 23
someday i will SOME DAY I WILL SOME DAY I WILL SOME DAY I WILL SOME DAY I WILL SOME DAY I WILL SAY "I'M DONE, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE." sadly IT COULD NOT BE TODAY. self hatred is more addictive than anything else, i think.


MY 20 23
still here. nothing much else to say.


MY 21 23
Constant self-monitoring is the key to a good life. bash your head against the wall for that chocolate bar you hate. do not slip up. do not slip up. run until the muscles in your legs snap, and don't cry when we yell at you for not being able to move. i am supposed to be happy, i am supposed to feel better, i am supposed to be cured.


JN 23 23
It's been years since the trend was relevant, but I don't think culture jamming, which to the unaware is basically vandalist art against mass media, is as 'subversive to the mainstream' as they think it is. Aside from some decent examples that reference the criminal activities of companies, a lot of it boils down to someone spray painting "MCDONALDS MAKES YOU FAT" on a billboard and thinking they're intellegent beyond the comprehension of the majority. Yes, that statement has been proven true a million times, and several documentary filmmakers had went around filming random overweight people for the sake of further evidence (rude), but companies related to fitness and diet can tell me the exact same thing to promote their own stuff.
On the polar opposite, if you want to condemn the use of photoshop and stick-thin models that promote unethical beauty product standards, the beauty product companies have already started condeming their own methods just to look good. The 'corporate machine' is not foolish, it adapts and finds solutions while keeping profits high.

Also, I have no idea what I was talking about in F0323's first paragraph, or maybe I do and I just don't really agree with it. Either way, just ignore it.


JLY 24 23
The reason so many males are drawn to the far-right is due to how influencers present themselves. Compared to the bubbly and, forgive me, stereotypically feminine aesthetic of the far-left, the far-right has a shallow form of 'masculine toughness' that appeals to an insecure male audience. Compare it to My Little Pony & G.I. Joe toys, although that's not exactly a fair comparison as I do not remember G.I. Joe telling anyone that the people they don't understand are demons that must be destroyed. We are not logical creatures, so the far-left needs an edgier aesthetic, something akin to Rage Against The Machine, if it wants to improve this earth's many issues, otherwise we will continue to see young men believe that conformity is rebellion.
"Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me."


AG 11 23
Why the fuck am I only allowed to speak like a fuctional human being through text? It feels like I'm forced into this stupid goofy persona whenever I open my mouth, acting on impulses when it would be better just to never speak. I honestly do not understand how people still tolerate me. Having to actually type words gives me some time to think about what I'm saying, instead of having to be fucking annoying all the time. I'm serious, it's all 'do first, think later' for me, I can't FUCKING DO ANYTHING EXECPT...I just don't want to be that idiot anymore, I really don't. I wish I could be the person that writes all this shit in reality. I really don't know why I don't have control over this, but everyone will say I do.
It really is hard to talk to people. My interests are far beyond the mainstream, and my life is nowhere near interesting. I did take a risk a while ago and tried to tell someone how I felt about her, but my idiot brain decided to do it through a joke. Good, another thing to hate myself for. I'm suprised I'm able to resist saying something like "maybe I just don't belong here" or reference Serial Experiments Lain like a moody 14 year old myspace girl. Actually, who the hell am I kidding? That kind of life might be better than whatever I'm doing now.


AG 12 23
I started to doubt my own abilities in writing last night. How can I accurately translate my vision into something like a script? Do I even know what I want out of my ideas? It's all...hazy, never a clear picture. Just fragments of something that I aspire to create. But trying to write it all down, it just...doesn't work. That's how it feels.
It really is hard to socialize with people. I think I have to pretend to like something I don't just so I can talk to someone.


AG 15 23
I don't have the human privilege of thinking before I act. I don't get time to breath or judge myself before I throw myself into an emotional hurricane. I'm not only tired of people being under their own delusions about how I'm completely under control, but I am tired of myself for being an unstable burden. I'm sick of this. I wish I did have time to breathe, I wish I could stop myself before wasting my own voice over something that isn't worth my time nor my presence. All I can do is regret, and try to live with myself for another day.


AG 25 23
It's meant to fuck with your head. Maybe they'll make a few good points to get you on their side, or just disguise it through a want to 'protect women', to decieve you just enough to consume you with transphobic bullshit. Why is there so much outcry against feminism? Why do people want to undo decades, perhaps centuries, of societal progress? Don't tell me some crap about how the American far-left have 'gone too far', because the modern youth don't look very progressive right now. There's too many wandering lost souls falling into the trap laid out by those looking to breed hatred out of the young. They have become easy prey. Speak out against this.
'Never did I wanna be here again, and I don't remember why I came.'
They are not 'rebels against a mindless herd of conformist sheep', they're commanding the black sheep to paint themselves white and beat up the other black sheep. "DON'T feel anything, DON'T wear a dress, DON'T be attracted to women that aren't Barbie dolls." These rules don't feel fucking freeing, do they? The only fucking reason it's difficult being male is because of the far-right telling me I'm not good enough to be a man, so why should I even try to be one anyway? They would never like me for who I am, only for how they could 'fix' me. I can't let myself become them. I WON'T LET THEM TAKE ME.


S 14 23
The only real "1% man" is one that isn't a shallow husk of human flesh obsessed with money and women. Yeah, that kind of person keeps saying he's sick of women but he depends on their attention. If you're vain enough to think that was directed to you, I'm giving you the chance to wake up from your self-inflicted coma and actually become an individual.


S 18 23
Months ago, I made a promise to myself to stay away from anything that reminded me of the American far-right. I don't think I even lasted a month before the inevitable relapse. You just can't ignore it when your eyes are forced open to see its precense, its messages of hatred, how it's influencing people, and the knowledge that while you're just sitting on your bed, someone or entire groups of innocents are suffering because of this. Out of despair and sheer ignorance, I've tried and tried again to find anyone who actually cares, only to be always hit with the harsh reality every single time. There's two impossible things I wish I could do: fix everything or just get away from it all. You can't live your own life anymore.


O 14 23
There are two things I want to address.
Firstly, I feel like my use of the word 'fetish' or how I have talked about certain topics has been somewhat objectifying. Although, that might be just me and my insecure nature. I have used this website, especially this portion, to vent the emotions that would otherwise be bottled-up, but I never would want to appear like the creep that I fear I made myself appear to be. Regardless, I will not be modifying any past entries, as I both prefer to keep them unedited to represent how I felt at the time and I accept the near-irreversible digital footprints they have left behind.
Secondly, I feel like my refusal to mention some things have only made them look worse than they actually are. I can't remember when I said this (probably somewhere in dreamdramalife), but I do remember I said that I had developed a fetish for something 'worse'. The vagueness of this statement leaves it to all sorts of interpretation, but I want to make it clear that what I was referring to was not as harmful as what I unintentionally implied. The only reason I would ever make it seem so horrible is out of self-hatred born from overexposure to mainstream media. There might be a chance that I'll actually say what it was, but as of now, I don't think I want to.


O 19 23
Trying to draw hands sucks. Find or make a reference photo for best results.


O 23 23
It's a fucking disease. The moment you become aware of it, it enters your mind and warps it. No matter what side you're on, it controls you. I wish I could hear you.


Check back later for more (preferably twice a month at best).